


Gypsophila

by wasteofchances



Category: EXO (Band), NCT (Band), NCT127
Genre: Angst and Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-14
Updated: 2017-09-14
Packaged: 2018-12-29 21:30:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12093828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wasteofchances/pseuds/wasteofchances
Summary: Yuta is a poet and Jaehyun is a musician, somehow they cross paths; giving birth to eternal chaos





	1. Between us; the fear of an unexplored path

**Author's Note:**

> To Shaheer and the savage gc I can't be thankful enough

_Touch_

_is the premonition of loss-_

_drift swelling into tide-_

_sub-aqueous glow_

_that distorts_

_as much as it reveals_

_I dream_

_of that other life-_

_straddling sinuous waterfalls-_

_yearning for the impossible._

_Is love clouded_

_with what we like to believe?_

_Mirrors_

_grow old like us. Bleary-eyed._

_The flesh sags. Wrinkles appear._

_petals of nostalgia._

_I try to salvage_

_what I can._

**Daud Kamal**

 

 

 

 

 

It's very faint, when he first hears it, and he almost doesn't acknowledge it. The sound of someone pulling on strings becomes clearer as he feels more awake. His body automatically moves towards the sound, which leads to him falling out of his chair and onto the floor. The loud thud, he hears, when his face meets the floor is what fully wakes him up. He sits up, groaning while massaging his stiff neck. He hadn't meant to fall asleep in his chair again, he was just tired and his mattress seemed so far away.

The instrument is still being played ever so beautifully. Yuta moves towards his mattress and lets his upper body rest on it, he moves into a somewhat comfortable position so he can enjoy the rest of the piece. He closes his eyes and listens to it, so entranced by the music that he forgets about everything; he forgets about his stiff back, his empty notebook, that he was supposed to fill up months ago, still sitting on the table next to the pile of mail he still hasn't had the time to attend to.

 It ends and Yuta opens his eyes. He hasn't felt this peaceful in a long, _long,_ time. He gets up and walks over to his window to see the source; no one is there but the instrument is. It takes a few seconds for him to recognize it. It looks so familiar, a second later it hits him-it's a Gayageum, an ever so beautiful 24 string set. He remembers the instrument, he also remembers when he got clowned by Johnny into taking classes to learn how to play it. " _I want to connect with my roots and I don't want to do it alone_." Johnny had said with big bulging puppy eyes. Yuta had taken one look at him and, suddenly, the word 'no' was no longer in his vocabulary. He also remembers their tutor physically kicking them out of his house because they were seriously _that_ bad. He does see movement on the first floor of the house.

"The new neighbours must've moved in," he says to himself, "Let's see how long this lasts." He closes his window and tries to go back to sleep, on his mattress this time.

Yuta had moved from the city of Seoul to Jeju Island well over a year ago, mostly because his publisher had insisted that quiet is _exactly_ what he needed to get over his writer’s block. He couldn't have been more wrong; Yuta loves noise, whether it's the sound of cars honking, dogs barking or loud obscene music being played in the streets. Growing up as an only child wasn't a fun experience, what made it worse was that both his parents had full time jobs which resulted in him spending 6 hours in complete solitude after school. With each day, Yuta grew tired and agitated of the quiet. The second he would step into his house he would leave the T.V on and turn the volume up, even if he wasn't watching it. It definitely made a difference; with the noise of generic music being there Yuta didn't feel so alone anymore. He found comfort in noise. 

He used to feel so inspired by the messiness noise projected. It used to act as string for him, connecting one sad verse to another. But when the string got cut off by too much mental distress, he stopped feeling inspired resulting in several blank pages and a persistent heavy feeling in his heart.

That's when his publisher had shown up at his door step with a one-way ticket to Jeju and an empty suitcase. He probably meant well, or that's what Yuta tells himself. He had bought this house, not for himself but as an investment 3 years ago. If he had pictured himself living in Jeju, he would've gotten a place with better scenery; most probably in a more commercial area. Jeju isn't a bad place per se, in Yuta's personal opinion, it's quite nice but it's too quiet. He hasn't heard anyone yell in months and he actually misses the old couple that used to live a floor below his and Johnny's apartment. Their useless arguments, which only took place after midnight helped him thrust out every useless thought. The street he lives on is probably the quietest in the area and he hates it. Nothing about the house down to the cutlery fits his taste.

" _But that's the challenge._ ", was what Yifan Hyung had said. " _You have to push yourself to be in an unfamiliar environment, so you can develop as a writer_."  To which Yuta had replied with, " _I'll go if you maintain eye contact with Suho Hyung for an entire conversation_."  Which he never managed to do but Yuta still had to leave. He's still waiting for inspiration to knock on his door and hit him in the face so he'll either suddenly feel inspired enough to write something or, at least, pass out.

It could be worse, he tells himself- he has more than enough skills and money to feed himself instant noodles. He goes out at 6 pm every day for a walk so he doesn't feel caged, at least not physically. He spends most of his days staring at the blank pages of his notebook, only giving up when his pen starts to feel burdensome within the hold of his fingers. To distract himself, he watches mediocre TV shows and listens to catchy pop songs so his thoughts always have the company of a horrible beat and meaningless lyrics. Sometimes when his days feel _too_ long, which happens a lot, he calls Johnny- just so he doesn't feel lonelier than he already does and waits for the sweet release of sleep to come to him early.

**T_T**

It happens again, but this time he's already awake so there's no chance of him falling out of his chair. It's a different piece, Yuta almost recognizes it. He leans against the back of his chair and closes his eyes to let the serene ambiance swallow him. This time it lasts a little longer and the second it ends, Yuta gets up and looks out his window. Just like yesterday, no one is there. The backyard is empty but the living room door connected to the lawn entrance is open, Yuta closes his window and drops himself onto his mattress. "I'll be prepared next time." he says to himself, right before passing out.

The next time comes after 3 days. He can't exactly pin point what it is about the music that makes him fall into a deep trance every time he listens to it. Not today, though. Today, he is fully awake and sitting in front of his window, with his head lowered to avoid looking like a creep, waiting for someone to come out of the living room door. He waits for what feels like an hour but, in reality, is only fifteen minutes. Then it happens; the door opens and a very old man comes out with a chair in his hands and places it right in front of the instrument, but that's it. The old man leaves right after that. Yuta is, more or less, confused- is he not going to play today?

A minute later, a much younger man walks out of the door and sits on the chair. The first thing Yuta notices about him is his hair. Given his position, there's not much to see but he moves closer to the window to get a better look. His raven hair stands out like ink on paper and the right side of his scalp is shaved off, oddly looking good on him. A light breeze brushes past him because of which his thick bangs, mimicking the delicacy of a feather, land in front of his eyes. Yuta has never seen anything so ethereal. His eyes move from the man's hair to his clothes. They're very odd. He is wearing a white silk dress shirt and dress pants. Yuta looks at his clock which is blinking **_5:00 am_**.

Who wears dress clothes at 5 fucking am in the morning? That, too, in such humidity? The crease in Yuta's brow deepens. The man pulls his chair closer to the instrument and places his fingers on the strings and Yuta loses himself to the sound again, his eyes and body following the movement of the man's fingers. He's so mesmerized, everything about the man and the way his fingers pull the strings is just so, " _Beautiful._ ", Yuta whispers to his empty room.

Every sound produced by each string matches up with the next in perfect harmony. He listens, he listens till the movement comes to a halt, and then the man gets up and leaves, dragging the chair with him. Yuta looks at his clock; it's blinking **_6:00 am_**. During the last 9 months, one of the biggest challenges Yuta has had to overcome, apart from dealing with writer’s block, is letting time pass without him having any knowledge of it. After a long period, an hour passes by in seconds for him. He stares at the empty space for a while, where the man had been sitting less than five minutes ago, then closes his window.

It takes about two weeks for Yuta to start feeling like a creep; for two whole weeks, he wakes up at exactly 4:30 am and by 4:45 am he's sitting in front of his window, waiting for the man to come out. Waking up this early has, definitely, given his routine some structure, not that he has a lot of responsibilities to attend to, it gives him more time to stare at his empty notebook.

Yuta knew that houses in Jeju were small and tightly packed next to each other, given that the population was larger than the amount of land, but he never thought of it as something he would have to worry about. He has to wait for the man to settle down, so he can observe him from the safe space of his room and through his window. He notices how elegantly the man's fingers fit in the tiny space between the strings, notices his broad collection of silk dress shirts and black dress pants and how beautiful he looks in them.

There's nothing weird about admiring talent from afar but it feels wrong- he wants the boy to _know_ that Yuta's listening, and has been doing so for two weeks. He takes a minute to mentally prepare himself for any, and every, outcome his following actions might result into.

Yuta walks towards his small balcony, slides the door open, takes a very careful step and grabs onto the railing. Considering the very small space, and his clumsiness, he doesn't want to fall and get hurt or worse; embarrass himself in front of his very talented _and_ very beautiful neighbour at only his first attempt to befriend him. Looking at the placement of the houses and their alignment, they're not that far apart. Yuta thinks if he speaks just a little loudly, the boy will be able to hear him.

He waits patiently for the boy to finish his piece and when he does, Yuta does a seagull clap. That, definitely, gets the musician’s attention; he looks up from the strings and stares at him and Yuta's mind goes blank. Just like everything else about the man, his eyes radiate beauty. For a second, Yuta thinks it's not fair, it's not fair that the stranger sitting in the lawn opposite to his house is just so incredibly good looking and so brilliant at playing an instrument that he could barely touch without letting a string loose. He forgets the thought when he sees a smile form on his neighbour’s face.

Out of pure instinct Yuta yells, that too very loudly. "YOU'RE VERY TALENTED," and then gives him a thumbs-up. The small smile turns into a grin; it's like watching a marshmallow smile with how his neighbour’s sharp jaw line disappears and all he can see are his fluffy cheeks. Yuta notices a dimple, for some weird reason he wants to poke it.

"Thank you, I was waiting for you to come out of your cage. Now I know what you look like in daylight." The man replies, his voice a little quieter, and a lot clearer, compared to Yuta's.

Suddenly, very self-conscious of his dear sweatpants and unshaven face, Yuta lets out a very awkward laugh. It takes longer than a second for the man's words to sink in. Wondering? Does that mean he was able to see him? But how? He had been so careful; he only looked at the man when he was sure his eyes were closed and he waited at least ten minutes, after the man left, to get up to close his window. Was he really being _that_ obvious? Did he fool himself into thinking that he was safe behind his stupid glass window?

He's pulled back into reality when the man speaks up again. "My name is Jung Jaehyun by the way." He's still grinning, if Yuta was a little closer he would have been able to count his teeth- he would be off by a few numbers, but still.

"My name is Nakamoto Yuta and you might find this a little hard to believe but I usually don't watch my neighbours like that, especially not without their permission." He does his best to sound nonchalant.  Jaehyun laughs and Yuta's legs tremble.

"It's okay, I don't mind having an audience," the raven-haired man winks.

Yuta feels something in his stomach. He tries very hard to keep his anxiety at bay, he doesn't want Jaehyun to know that everything about him is causing Yuta to feel jittery.

They talk for another minute before Jaehyun excuses himself and Yuta is about to walk back into his room when Jaehyun says his name.

 "Yuta-ssi," Jaehyun looks at him with his puppy dog eyes that seem to be executing far too many sentiments than the situation calls for and Yuta has to blink several times to convince himself that a year in solitude hasn't made him lose his sanity.

"Next time, I'd like it if you actually paid to have a front row seat in my morning shows," with that Jaehyun offers him a smirk and makes his exit, leaving Yuta with a tight knot in his stomach. His empty head now playing Jaehyun's laugh on loop with a verse of a Korean pop song in the background.

 

**T_T**

Jaehyun shows up at his doorstep 3 days later.

It's almost afternoon when Yuta hears a knock on his door. He's so lost in singing along to a pop song that he almost doesn't hear it. He runs towards the door, almost slipping on the wet floor. Yuta assumes it's the pizza delivery guy. When he opens the door, though, he is graced with the sight of Jaehyun wearing something other than his dress clothes.

"Hi." Jaehyun say sheepishly.

If Yuta had concluded that there was a limit to Jaehyun's beauty, then he was most-definitely wrong. His eyes wander from Jaehyun’s brows to his delicate knuckles to his alluring eyes. Just like all of their interactions, they make brief eye contact and it takes Yuta more than a second to realize that he's staring. 

"Hi," Yuta says as he extends his hand, initiating a hand shake. They shake hands and Yuta has never felt or touched anything so velvety, he has to force himself to let go. "I must say, I never thought I'd see you in anything that isn't formal and made out of silk." Jaehyun laughs, which makes Yuta's legs feel wobbly and noodle like, he puts his hand on the doorknob so he doesn't lose balance.

"Then I must say I never thought I'd see you in anything but sweatpants," he does a quick head to toe survey of Yuta with his eyes. "And looks like I wasn't wrong," he says, smirking.

Yuta scoffs, "Ha." which adds prominence to Jaehyun’s subtle smirk.

"I came to give you this," he hands him an envelope. Yuta's attention moves to the plain white envelop in Jaehyun’s hand and he takes it from him, their fingers touch for longer than a second as if neither of them want to let go. Jaehyun pulls away and Yuta has to stop himself from thinking about the lingering touch. He opens it, showing no haste in that action.

"It's an invitation." Yuta says blandly.

"Yeah," Jaehyun says, while rubbing the back of his neck, "My recital is in September, if you're free I'd like it if you come." Jaehyun doesn't hide his nervousness as well as Yuta does, but Yuta has had years of practise of turning himself into a stoic being.

 "It's front row." He gives Jaehyun a sly look.

 Whatever uneasiness Jaehyun was feeling is visibly gone now, the corners of his mouth lifting up and forming a beautiful smile.

 "Of course, it is." Jaehyun replies, "Also, I was wondering if you'd want to enjoy my morning practice sessions from my lawn instead of your window. I promise my lawn chairs are comfortable and the view from them is _amazing_." Jaehyun winks at him. Yuta isn't the type to over-exaggerate every thought and action but he, actually, feels his heart skip a beat.

Yuta chuckles, "I would love that."

"Great, the lawn door will be open so let yourself in."

He nods. "Would you like to join me for lunch?"

Jaehyun’s lips slightly part open and he lets out a sigh, his gaze flickering between Yuta and an invisible being behind him. He looks torn, "I wish I could but I have to be somewhere."

"Oh, then I'll see you tomorrow, Jaehyun-ssi."

Jaehyun nods and offers him a soft smile before he leaves.

 

**T_T**

Yuta shows up at Jaehyun’s doorstep at exactly 4:55 am and the lawn door is, indeed, open. Yuta is about to step in when he hears a very sharp tone, "No shoes."

He looks up and it's Jaehyun- the soft smile on his face doesn't match his tone at all. Today he is wearing an ocean blue silken shirt paired with the same black dress pants he wears every day. In the two weeks Yuta has spent watching Jaehyun from his window, he has been able to thoroughly enjoy his pieces and admire his celestial beauty from afar but the placement of the instrument had blocked him from looking at everything below Jaehyun’s waist. He figured Jaehyun would be wearing a pair of shoes just as fancy as his clothes but he's not. Jaehyun is standing in front of him with his usual dress attire on and naked feet.

"You know," Yuta looks up. "I'd like it better if you checked me out as I played." Jaehyun’s tone is laced with pure amusement.

Yuta isn't caught off guard, he knows damn well what his staring can imply. He just doesn't know why he didn't stop himself.

"I don't know what you're talking about." he says, nonchalantly.

His reply, definitely, changes something in the way Jaehyun looks at him. Jaehyun guides him inside and Yuta refrains from telling Jaehyun that he has already been in his house before, just so he has an excuse to ask for a tour later and hopefully spend a few extra minutes in Jaehyun’s company. He had been so close to buying this particular one but something about the fairly huge and old tree in the corner of the lawn had put him off.

Now, though, he thinks the setting is perfect because Jaehyun is there. There's a mini stage-like area in front of the living room door where the gayageum and Jaehyun’s chair are placed. Right in front of the instrument are a few steps and a chair, similar to Jaehyun's, is placed a little further away from them. There's a small table right beside the chair that's carrying the weight of a Wenlock jug filled with cold water and a lowball glass.  

 Jaehyun points toward the chair placed in front of the mini stage and silently motions him to sit there.

 "So, I'm literally your only audience." Yuta says as he settles down.

"Well… for now, but we do count the bugs." Jaehyun says slyly.

Yuta's eyes shoot wide open as he retracts his feet from the ground and pulls his knees closer to his chest, wrapping both his arms around them. "Bugs?" He does a quick scan of the lawn, "Where?" paranoia obvious in his tone. 

"You're scared of bugs?" Jaehyun asks, his eyes and mouth wide open, laughter threatening to spill.

 "Listen, they have more than four legs and I can actually _feel_ them crawling on my skin."  Yuta wishes he had worn something other than a tank top, the humidity had sadly left him with only a handful of options.

As expected, Jaehyun laughs. Being the centre of mockery is never fun, but being the source behind Jaehyun's smile does tighten the knot in Yuta's stomach.

"It's okay, it's still early so they won't bother us for a while." Jaehyun takes his place behind the instrument and puts on his finger picks, taking his time to do so. The second his fingers pull the strings, Yuta loses himself to the sound. For an hour, just like the past few weeks, the enrapturing music takes him to a completely different place, a place where deadlines and empty notebooks don't represent dread, where the left and right hemisphere of his brain are working in perfect coordination and haven't blocked out his creative senses. He looks at Jaehyun.

Actually, looks at him and takes in every little detail that he couldn't see through his bedroom window. He won't say it out loud but Jaehyun had been, absolutely, right; the view _is_ amazing. Jaehyun's eyes are closed which saves Yuta the shame of mustering up a poor excuse for excessive staring. Jaehyun's skin is pale, so pale that if it weren't for his chromatic and shiny wardrobe, Yuta would probably lose him to the bleached background. His pale skin adds a sort of distinction to the rest of his physical features; the red in his lips resembles the delicacy and shade of a Supertunia black cherry, his lashes look as graceful and thick as a single feather, there's a light rosy tint on his cheeks and his nose is so _..._ perfect for his face. It's so _cute_.

Yuta doesn't comment on Jaehyun’s dark circles, they are nothing compared to the heavy bags Yuta has been carrying around for the past year. Still, though, in a very odd way they add onto his beauty. Through his window, Yuta was only able to see a side of Jaehyun’s hair, not all of it. His thick glossy raven hair in contrast to his pale skin stand out the most. The shaved side strangely looks very beautiful. He thinks this, the environment in its entirety, including Jaehyun, is the most soothing sight he has ever witnessed. He's certain he will never experience something this serene ever again. The knot in his stomach is replaced with a sinking feeling. He allows himself to shed a single tear and blinks away the rest, looking away the second Jaehyun opens his eyes.

"So," Jaehyun says, "Did you enjoy that?", Yuta senses a hint of shyness in his voice.

He looks up and rests his head on his knees and replies as calmly as he can. "Very much." The sincerity in his tone shocks Yuta himself.

Jaehyun blushes, he mumbles out a thank you while staring at his fingers. Yuta gets up, "I should probably get going," he motions toward the lawn door.

 Jaehyun looks directly into his eyes. "I'll see you tomorrow though, Yuta-ssi?"

"Of course, you will."

Maybe it was the peaceful setting or the music or that he hasn't slept in over 42 hours but Yuta suddenly feels very overwhelmed. He gives Jaehyun a weak smile and leaves.

He lets his emotions take over the second he steps into his house. He drops his body onto his sofa. "What was that?," he says to himself. He has never felt this confused and overwhelmed in such a peaceful situation. He has to do something, anything, to crowd his mind so his thoughts don't take over him. Normally, he'd play music really loudly but it's still too early to do that and he doesn't want to disturb his neighbours. Other than that, he would write but for that he would have to empty out his mind first. He can't sleep, not because he isn't exhausted but because he knows his thoughts won't let him.

He gets up and goes to his room, picks up his phone that's sitting beside his mattress and does something he hasn't done in a while. He scrolls through his contacts and clicks on Johnny's name. After 3 rings, he hears a very muffled, groggy and annoyed. "Hello." 

"It's me." The shakiness in his voice eases out the annoyance in Johnny's tone. The older man doesn't need to ask any questions in regards to why Yuta is calling him this early.

"I'll set the phone right next to me, is that good enough?" Johnny says, his voice a little clearer than before.

"Yeah."

Yuta taps on the speaker icon and places the phone next to his lamp on the floor as he lays down on his mattress. The sound of Johnny breathing is like white noise but it's enough. It's enough to put him at ease, it's enough to crowd his mind and push out every unnecessary thought and it's enough to help him fall into a deep slumber.

**T_T**

They're in the same setting they've been in for the past week and Yuta feels uncomfortable for a lot of reasons. The lawn chairs make his back feel stiffer than ice, the humid air makes him feel like he's breathing in water which, on top of Jaehyun's presence, is making it even harder for him to breathe and the freshly cut grass is prickling his naked feet. There's sweat forming on his upper lip, his back and his neck and it's making him feel _so_ itchy. It's taking every ounce of self-control he has to not wipe the sweat off of his upper lip and harshly scratch his neck. His tank top is drenched with sweat and is now sticking to his chest. Jaehyun's situation isn't much different either. His silk shirt is literally wet, Yuta can almost make out the outline of his chest. He averts his attention to other things, not wanting to get lost in that train of thoughts, especially not right now.

He lets his eyes wander around the lawn. The tall old tree in the back is protecting them from the sun’s glare. His eyes follow the movement of the dead leaves on the ground and he tries to come up with a verse to describe how lifeless the leaves look compared to the radiance of the fresh greenery they're lying on. He's so lost in his creative process that he doesn't even notice that Jaehyun is done with his piece.

"You know," Jaehyun speaks up, "Normally, when I finish playing I expect an applause from the audience." he tilts his head and gives Yuta a look.

Which, weirdly enough, isn't enough to pull Yuta out of his head, he just shivers and retracts his feet from the ground and pulls them close to his chest. It's as if Jaehyun senses his discomfort got triggered by the setting they're in.

"We can go inside now that I'm done," Jaehyun says, while taking off picks off of his fingers. "You know," he tilts his head again, "before the ant army senses your fear and takes advantage of it."

That is enough to pull Yuta out of his head. He would have tried to play it off coolly, as if the bugs don't cause an itch under his skin, but Jaehyun is already aware of his fear so there is no point in trying to impress him now. Yuta makes a run for it. He runs past Jaehyun and stops when his knee hits the back of a sofa.

He turns around and Jaehyun is still standing outside, "You can look around if you want."

Yuta scans the living room from his position. The interior is everything Yuta had expected it to be. It's so eccentric and... _open_. The windows are all glass with silver handles but there are no curtains covering them, there's a huge oval shaped glass coffee table in the centre of the room surrounded by sofas that are almost as pale as Jaehyun himself. The walls are covered with mint green paint and dark brown frames with portraits. Jaehyun isn't in any of them. He sits on a sofa, his back facing Jaehyun and gently places the book he had brought with him next to him. He stretches his foot a little to feel the fabric of the rug placed beneath the table. _It's so soft_. He's tempted to give up his position on the sofa and lay flat on the rug but he's adamant on not making a fool of himself in front of Jaehyun already. Instead, he stares at the light fixtures hanging from the ceiling.

He thinks of how bizarre his own domestic setting is. His living room is currently harbouring a very ugly but comfortable brown leather sofa, a black bean bag chair and a single farmhouse style chair. His T.V and home theatre system take up most of the living room space. He doesn't have any pictures nailed to the wall either, considering how he had thought of his move to Jeju as temporary. For a second, he thinks the earth is slipping away from under his feet and the thought turns into reality when a moment later his face meets the rug.

 "What the hell?" he says to himself. He takes his place on the sofa and it happens again. He places his hand on it and feels the fabric. _It's satin_.

"What are you doing on the floor?" Jaehyun gives him a confused yet amused look.

"I was just," his eyes land on the coffee table in front of him that is housing several boxes filled with finger picks, each as beautiful and personalized as the next, and he points towards them, "admiring your collection. It's beautiful."

"You can do that from the sofa too, you know that right?"

"I know but satin literally brings me to my knees."

 Jaehyun chuckles. "Then maybe we should get some bugs in here to keep you still." Yuta jumps back onto the sofa and holds onto the edge this time.

 "Don't joke about that," he says with a flat yet serious tone, he does a quick scan of the room just to make sure there aren't any bugs.

Jaehyun settles next to him, wiping sweat off of his forehead with a tissue paper. "Would you like something to drink?"

He moves his eyes to Jaehyun’s silk shirt which has now lost any and all trace of shine it had an hour ago and is now completely soaked with his sweat. But the man still hasn't popped open a button or made the slightest gesture to express any sort of discomfort.

"Aren't you hot?" Yuta blurts out. The corner of Jaehyun’s mouth lifts up, forming a smirk.

"You can't question a fact, Yuta-ssi."

Yuta scoffs, "Why do you wear dress clothes in such weather and _this_ early in the morning?" A shy smile replaces the smirk on Jaehyun’s face. He pushes his bangs back.

"For the dramatic effect."  His reply makes Yuta smile. His eyes land on the book sitting between them.

Yuta follows his gaze and pushes the book towards Jaehyun. "This is for you."

Jaehyun picks it up. "Indigo by Nakamoto Yuta," he reads out loud and his expression changes into something similar to astonishment as he shifts his eyes and body towards Yuta. "Wait! you're _the_ Yuta, the poet?," his voice comes out a little squeaky.

"Yeah, that's me. Is everything okay?"

"No-I mean yes. I love your poems, they're _so_ beautiful."

Yuta lets out a breathy laugh, "Thank you, I hope you enjoy this collection."

"I will! Your collections, especially the translated ones, are so hard to find as they're always sold out. I had to wait four months to get my hands on your first publication. Thank you for this." he smiles at the black book in his hand.

That day Yuta goes home and sits on his chair, lifts his pen, which now feels light as a feather-the prolonged heaviness no longer there, and opens his notebook. The dread between the blank pages disappears, giving him a clear canvas and so he writes. For the first time, in almost a year, he writes. The pen, within his hold, moves against the paper mimicking the swift motion of a wave crashing into the shore. He writes while his mind plays the memory of Jaehyun's melodious laughter on loop.

**T_T**

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Time spent in your company; an illusion

It's a rather quiet morning for Yuta. His clock is blinking **_4:45 am_**. Usually around this time he'd be getting up and ready and making his way to Jaehyun’s house but the younger man had informed him, through a neatly punctuated text last night, that he's travelling to see his brother who lives in Jeju city, and that he'd be gone all day.

So now he has nothing to do but lay in his bed and question why his light fixtures aren't as pretty as Jaehyun’s. They manage to captivate his attention for about five minutes, after which he gets up to make himself coffee.  He follows his daily routine of staring at his blank notebook and brewing himself shitty coffee.

He's had the same pattern for almost a year, nothing about it has changed, but today, for some reason, he feels - lost? No, and sad wouldn't be the correct word either, he feels as though something is missing. He goes about his day nonetheless. When he's stuck and his mind can't push out any words, though, he stares at the ceiling, hoping for inspiration to fall on him. By mid-noon he finds himself sitting in front of his bedroom window trying to relish his third cup of coffee. He had done everything to make himself feel better, listened to mediocre music, gone out for a run to exhaust himself, lain flat on his sofa and fabricated scenarios he'd never speak of but the sinking feeling still conquered everything. _What is missing?_ he thinks. He has always been very good at recognizing the source of his anguish, why can't he figure out what's troubling his heart now?

Yuta gently places his mug on the floor and rests his head on his knees. For a while he just stares at the mug, crowding his mind with irrelevant details about its shape and backdrop. He almost, _almost,_ forgets about the sinking feeling. Until he looks up and his eyes land on the gayageum sitting, as peacefully as an object could, on the mini stage. His eyes immediately search for something, an object or entity, he doesn't know. When he sees the chair, situated before the instrument, is empty, a pang of sadness hits him. Something moves inside his head, as if the gears of his mind had been stuck all day and are finally moving again. Could it be-? But why would he-?

"No no no." he says to himself, trying to shake the thought out of his mind.

When he enters the kitchen, he slowly picks up dishes off the counter. His eyes fall on a lonely mug sitting on the edge. He stops himself before he touches it. _It's Jaehyun’s mug_. While making coffee, a wave of fondness hits him. He remembers when Jaehyun had come over for the first time and claimed that mug as his and then had proceeded to make a horrible pun about how he was mug-ing him. Then he’d called the place, where the mug is currently sitting, it's home and made Yuta promise to not touch it without his permission.

The memory makes warmth crawl up his skin and he smiles to himself. The smile only lasts for about a second before his reminds himself, _no_. He takes his mug in one hand and his notebook in the other and moves to the living room. Out of habit, he sits on the right side of the sofa because Jaehyun had made a comment the other day about how he likes sitting on the left side, something about the atmosphere fitting him better. The entire time Yuta sits there he fills up empty pages while the thought of Jaehyun sitting next to him plays in his mind. He has to stop every five minutes and remind himself, _no_.

Around evening, when it gets too quiet and the silence starts ringing through his ears, Yuta connects his phone to his theatre system, puts his playlist on shuffle, sets it on the loudest volume he can and settles on his couch with a novel in his hand.

"Hey."

The voice startles him, he almost drops his book. It's Jaehyun's voice, he looks around and nobody's there. It takes him a second longer to realize that the sound is coming from his speakers. It's playing the voice message Jaehyun had left him earlier today.

"I hope you're having a very lonely morning without me." Jaehyun’s hushed deep voice, echoing through his entire house, brings back the warmth and replaces the ache he has been feeling all day. He listens to the rest of message with his novel tightly pressed against his chest and a wide grin on his face. Yuta listens to him talking again; in a hushed and quiet voice, not wanting his nephew to wake up because of him.

By the time the message is over, his jaw actually hurts from grinning too hard but the ache comes back and Yuta is more confused than ever. He forces himself to go back to writing but no matter how hard he tries to push out the pain, it just gets stronger throughout the evening.

At night, when Yuta can't fall asleep, he does miscellaneous things to tire himself out. When none of them work, he picks up the book he's reading from the floor. The cover is an earthy brown, he stares at it. An image of Jaehyun's mud brown eyes flashes in his mind… when did the colour brown start holding so much depth? He shakes himself out of his head and places the book back on the floor. He gets up and makes his way to the living room. He sits on his couch, turns on the TV and starts flicking through channels. He makes the horrible mistake of looking at the window next to the TV.

It's open and bringing in light gusts of wind. His curtains moving with the wind remind him of the way Jaehyun’s feathery bangs fall in front of his eyes every time wind blows past him. He turns off the TV and drops the remote on the couch. He goes to the kitchen but doesn't go in when he sees Jaehyun’s mug sitting on the counter. He backtracks and makes his way to the lawn and takes his single dining chair with him.

He stares at the open sky, peace finally taking over his mind, till he notices a pair of slippers sitting in the corner of his lawn. He promptly recognizes them, they're Jaehyun’s.

Panic starts rising inside him. Jaehyun is everywhere, there are traces of him all over his house and his mind, when did that happen?

He collapses into his chair. There’s an ache in his heart; his heart hurts because he misses Jaehyun. He actually misses him, but how can that be when he saw him just hours ago? What makes it worse is that he misses Jaehyun, whom he sees every single day, more than he misses his Hyung and Johnny, whom he hasn't seen or talked to in months? What fresh hell of emotional turmoil is this? Out of all the people that he's supposed to be missing, why is his heart aching for Jaehyun?

 

Yuta doesn't sleep that night. It takes him hours to convince himself that a year in solitude has completely messed up his mind and that's it. That's the only reason why this is happening to him.

 

**T_T**

Yuta remembers when punctuality meant everything to him, his nerves wouldn't leave him alone unless he arrived to his destination at least an hour early. Back when he was living in Seoul, he would go to the movies once every week and would show up 45 minutes before the movie started. He remembers sitting in the cold hall in a somewhat comfortable seat, trying not to give into temptation by not touching his snacks before the movie or the ads started playing. He also remembers how the light above the projector would illuminate a soft golden glow on the white screen before the movie started.

That's it; that's what Jaehyun’s glow reminds him of when the first rays of sunlight, peaking through the branches of the old tree, hit his face. That light combined with the sweat on his cheeks make a great mix. It's not too harsh and not too soft either, it's just perfect and balanced like everything else about Jaehyun is. Yuta has to stop himself from staring, he also has to stop himself from falling into such a deep thought process every time he discovers a new detail about Jaehyun.

In the last 14 months, Yuta has struggled for weeks to come up with a five syllable verse about literally anything. But now, he truly believes that he could write an entire collection of poems based on the movement of Jaehyun’s lips and eyes when he's playing. The way his lips part open slightly when he perfectly plays the climax of his piece and his eyes flutter open when he's finally finished, _it's just so....._

"Beautiful." He whispers, but somehow Jaehyun hears it.

"Did you say something?" Jaehyun looks up.

"Huh?" Yuta fakes bewilderment to cover up his stupidity, "No."

Even though every time he's in Jaehyun’s company he feels as fresh and awake as an owl after midnigh, today he's sleep deprived and has exhausted himself to the point where everything is bleary to him. It's hard for him to control himself around Jaehyun. Period. But when he's like this, it's harder to control the words that slip off of his tongue.

"Let's watch a movie together." Yuta says when Jaehyun finishes his piece.

"Are you asking me out? On a date?" Jaehyun says slowly.

"Yes.” The surety in his voice takes him by surprise.

Yuta can't exactly read the expression on Jaehyun’s face. He doesn't say anything at first, for what feels like a while but is only a few seconds, and all Yuta can hear is the whistle of the wind and the sound of birds chirping. Jaehyun doesn't look at him as he takes off his finger picks, doesn't look at him when he places each of them neatly in the box. When nothing seems to be left to prolong the ultimate rejection Yuta is expecting, Jaehyun looks at him; directly into his eyes. If Yuta tries really hard, he'll probably be able to make out what Jaehyun's facial expression means but, given his current worn out state, he can't focus on anything but the feeling of dread that's getting stronger by the second. He thinks if the silence stretches out for a minute longer he might actually burst. He should've killed the question the second his mind birthed it and should've never brought it into reality.

"That depends."  Jaehyun says, with a flat tone.

"On what?", a light gust of wind causes a shiver to run down his spine.   

"On whether you're taking me to watch a rom-com and whether you don't have a problem with my live commentary on how stupid they are."

This time Yuta is the one who laughs, dread and exhaustion leaving his body immediately. He feels light as a feather. His eyes fall on a dead leaf on the ground. He picks it up and gets on one knee on his chair. He might be feeling dreamy and giddy right now but, even in this state of mind, he has to be wary of bugs.

"Jaehyun-ssi, will you bless me with your company this Sunday evening to engage in romantic endeavours?" It comes out so easily, and effortlessly, as if his lips have been itching to say this for a long time.

Jaehyun actually holds back his laugh this time as he walks over to him and takes the leaf from him."Yes, I'd love to."

The entire situation is so silly but it makes him feel so warm inside. He can't stop himself from grinning.

Somewhere between the flick and pulls of strings and the exchange of shy smiles, Yuta feels the ache melt away. The knot in his stomach, however, becomes tighter but this time he doesn't run. He stays and listens to Jaehyun's soft laugh.

 

**T_T**

 

They do end up watching a romantic comedy that neither of them care for-but their only other option was a ww2 epic which doesn't so sound romantic for their first date. The movie follows the same bizarre plot as all of them do. Guy meets girl, a series of unconventional events lead them to develop feelings for each other, then both of them have epiphanies at different points but not in front of each other. They hold in their feelings till one of them makes the brave decision to be vocal about how and what they feel and then they just _connect_.

Yuta had tried to mimic the feeling in his early years as a poet because, in his mind and given his circumstances as a 15 year old, romantic love was the only variation of love that would result in something either breathtakingly beautiful or tragically beautiful. Either way, it would be beautiful so he thought he couldn't go wrong, especially, when he projected that into poetry. He couldn't have been more wrong.

Now it's different, this particular variation of love requires a lot more than just a breathless "I love you" followed by a very needy kiss and a bland promise to stay together forever and to make up for everything.

"You have to be the most pessimist romantic I've ever been on a date with." Jaehyun says, his gaze fixed on the screen.

Yuta looks at him with a confident smile. "And you like it!"

Jaehyun moves his eyes from the screen and looks at him. "How did you know I was going to say that?" He quirks his left brow. Yuta shifts a little and directs his eyes and body towards the screen.

 "Because you sound more amused than annoyed."

He catches Jaehyun smiling and that, combined with the glow on his face, makes him brighter than the screen. Yuta feels jittery again but this time he doesn't have to make an effort to distract himself. He's on a _date_ with Jaehyun. That Jaehyun knowingly and willingly agreed to accompany him on. No matter what happens, he will not question this or make a move till Jaehyun does something first.

He drops that plan a second later when he spots Jaehyun’s hand on the arm rest. He slowly reaches out, just to test the water and places his hand on top of it. It doesn't play out as he had imagined it would.

Jaehyun doesn't flinch to express any sort of discomfort neither does he pull away. In fact, he does the opposite. He flips his hand so it's easier for them to hold hands. Yuta hadn’t realized how much he had missed the touch, recalling the memory of when they first shook hands.

He relaxes into his seat but doesn't dare move an inch after that- he doesn't want to give off any implication that he wants to let go, having no idea why he doesn't want to let go. The movie ends but they remain seated till the credits finish rolling and all the lights in the hall are turned on, making idle chatter about the movie.

Jaehyun is the first one to get up, he picks up his trash with other hand and doesn't let go. He doesn't let go when they walk out of the hall, out of the theatre onto the street. He doesn't let go on their walk back to their houses, which is relatively quiet but not awkward. He does let go when they arrive at his front door and Yuta has never felt loss so gravely. Jaehyun stares at him shamelessly.

"Do you want to kiss me now or do you want to wait till one of us has an epiphany?" Jaehyun says, his tone laced with pure amusement. Yuta lets out a breathy laugh.

"It would be such a shame to lose all that time to unnecessary thoughts and everlasting internal conflict," Jaehyun says, as he takes a step towards Yuta, "Nakamoto Yuta, you have my full consent to kiss me tonight and every night after this."  Too struck by Jaehyun's statement, Yuta doesn't respond. He knows his voice will come out shaky and unsteady and he doesn't want Jaehyun to know the impact his words have on him.

_And then they kiss_.

**T_T**


	3. Life before you; an unknown reality

Johnny comes out for a surprise visit in the middle of the week and Yuta has never been happier to see his friend. He's a little confused, but he's happy. He expects Johnny to either lash out on him fully for not responding to his texts/calls, or not to say anything at first but to proceed to make passive aggressive remarks throughout his visit. Just like every other time, Johnny doesn't meet his expectations. He looks more happy than upset and doesn't show any signs of anger. It's as if the last year didn't happen at all, like Yuta didn't dig himself an abyss and drop into it without saying a word to his friend.

Johnny answers his questions before he even gets the chance to unload them, with a simple statement. "I came to see you because I miss you." The sincerity in his tone makes Yuta's heart quiver. He thinks his entire body might actually burst into flames of affection for Johnny. 

Johnny doesn't say a word about his odd interior. He does smile when he sees the chair, the one he had gifted Yuta last year, placed next to the sofa. They seamlessly fall into a routine and Yuta can't think of a time where Johnny wasn't his roommate. They've been by each other's side since the first time they roomed together in college. Johnny's annoying habits, which now make Yuta look at him fondly, haven't changed at all. He makes disgruntled sounds every time he does the laundry, quietly cooks all three meals for both of them and nags at Yuta, after each meal, to do the dishes.

He does nothing Yuta expects him to but Johnny does side eye him every time he leaves the house at 4 O'clock in the morning and returns well after sunrise. Yuta doesn't say anything and patiently waits for Johnny's curiosity to get the best of him.

Yuta watches Johnny hold in his questions for two whole days before he breaks.

"Where do you go in the morning?" Johnny asks him while he's making dinner.

Yuta looks at him from across the kitchen counter with a sly smile. "Two days. That's your best record so far."

Johnny gives him the best cold stare he can but drops it after a minute. "Come on, tell me." dragging out the last word while giving him his best puppy dog eyes. Yuta lightly pushes the salad bowl towards Johnny and sits on the counter, his back facing the older man.

"I go to see my neighbour." he says, like Johnny doesn't need more information than that.

"Why?" Johnny's face scrunches in confusion, "Is he sick?"

Yuta huffs out a sigh, "No," he gives the older man a pointed look, "He's my friend."

"Your friend?" he says a little too loudly. Yuta looks at him with his mouth wide open.

Johnny retracts his statement, "I didn't mean for it to come out that loud but it's you so it's kind of hard to believe."

Yuta doesn't take offense to that, it's true that Johnny had to practically force himself into his life by conducting bizarre social experiments to befriend him.

"But you didn't mention anyone when you called me," Johnny rubs his chin to help recall his memory.

"Ohhhhhhh," he claps his hands together, "The guy you kissed, who also looks like a marshmallow? him?" Johnny looks at him expectantly with wide eyes.

Yuta has a lot of regrets but he doesn't regret carrying a drunk and half naked Johnny back to their dorm in the middle of the day or accidentally kissing him in front of everyone at a uni party, he does regret sending him a marshmallow meme to describe Jaehyun's looks instead of actually describing what the man looks like.

"Yes, that's him." Yuta mumbles.

"I want to meet him."

The deadpan-ness in his voice makes Yuta chuckle as he looks up. The look on Johnny's face and his folded arms pressed against his chest can only mean one thing.

"Oh, you're serious?" Yuta makes a face to give off the impression that he's in deep thought, a second later he looks at Johnny again and says, "No."

"Why not?" Johnny whines. "I promise I won't say anything to make him feel uncomfortable."

"Johnny, no." He gives him a look as serious as his reply and mentally prepares himself for Johnny's hissy fit.

Johnny gives him a baffled look. "Well," he grabs the bowl from the centre of the counter and starts tearing apart lettuce and dropping it in the bowl one piece at a time- his entire act tied with a feeling of annoyance and fury, "If I had known you would disregard 8 years of our friendship like this then I wouldn't have-"

"Fine," Yuta says, with a hint of exasperation in his tone, "I'll invite him over for dinner tomorrow night."

Johnny gives him a wide smile, which reminds Yuta of a tooth paste commercial he saw a while ago, in which a child is proudly showing off his white teeth after using the "right" toothpaste.

Yuta does indeed bring it up, the next day, when him and Jaehyun are having breakfast. "Would you like to have dinner with me and my friend tonight?" It's completely out of the blue. Jaehyun stares at him with a mouthful of blue berries, juice dribbling down his chin.

Yuta gets up and grabs a napkin, gently wiping off the juice on Jaehyun’s chin. "My friend, Johnny, is visiting from Seoul. I'd like for you to meet him." He makes the mistake of looking directly at Jaehyun while being so close to his face. He quickly falls back into his seat and sets the napkin aside.

"You want me to meet your friend?" Jaehyun asks.

Something about his tone makes Yuta panic. All of a sudden, he feels flustered and his throat goes dry. He tries to speak but it's as if he has lost the ability to form coherent sentences. "It doesn't mean anything," he stutters to get the words out, waving his hands in front of Jaehyun’s face to be very clear but that just tightens the knot in his stomach.  "I mean," he scratches the back of his neck," it does since he's my only friend but also-"

"Yuta-ssi," Jaehyun's calm voice makes him halt, "I would love to meet your friend."

Jaehyun fills up a glass with water and places it in front of Yuta. "Don't worry, we go with your pace. Whether this means anything or not."  Jaehyun's voice is a mix of gentle, mellow and honey. It melts away the panic but the thought still lingers; that they are something and neither of them know what that means.

He gives Jaehyun a reassuring smile which convinces him. He asked Jaehyun out on a date because he wanted to figure out how he felt about Jaehyun but them kissing confused him further. Yuta has felt profound affection, but only platonic. Before Yuta came to terms with his sexuality, he had managed to convince himself that every gesture of romantic interest anyone ever made towards him was out of pure platonic affection and nothing more.

He doesn't know what it's like to be sure of your feelings. Jaehyun has a lot of patience to deal with Yuta’s sorry ass- who can't come to a conclusive decision about anything. Yuta doesn't dwell on it much, especially not in front of Jaehyun.

**T_T**

 

"Can you put the chair next to the couch?" Yuta says, from the kitchen.

"You mean," Johnny lifts up the chair, "The chair?" he says, trying to imitate Batman’s deep husky voice.

Yuta gives him a look, "Please don't do that in front of Jaehyun." Johnny positions the chair next to couch.

"Okay," he says in the same tone and before Yuta can say anything, there's a knock on the door. He takes one quick look in the mirror and straightens his fringe. He places his hand on the door knob and gives Johnny another pointed look. Johnny looks at him with wide eyes and a second later raises his hands in defeat.

"Fine." He mutters.

Yuta opens the door and greets Jaehyun with a wide smile. Once Johnny and Jaehyun are introduced to each other and all of them have exchanged pleasantries, there's nothing much to talk about. Yuta commends himself, for he knew Johnny and Jaehyun would have absolutely nothing in common. He tries to spark a conversation between them about the instrument Jaehyun plays but neither of them have much to say about that.

Yuta is amazed when Johnny doesn't bring up their horrible attempt at trying to learn the basic mechanism of playing the gayageum. With Johnny being this quite, Yuta feels unsettled; the older man rarely ever follows his only request to stay put, and now that he is actually doing just that Yuta can't help but feel confused and antsy.

He watches Johnny pull out his phone while he is talking to Jaehyun, rude. He hears Johnny mumble something in English that he doesn't understand but Jaehyun definitely does.

"What?" Jaehyun says, clearly amused. Yuta doesn't know the context behind Jaehyun’s reaction but he assumes it's definitely something funny, till he looks at Johnny, who looks a five-year old kid trying to hold back his tears.

"You understand English?" Johnny says each word slowly and carefully.

"Yes, I do," Jaehyun says, laughter threatening to spill through his lips, "Did you just say I look like a marshmallow?"

Yuta almost breaks his neck when he turns to look at Johnny. The older man doesn't pay him any heed.

"Well," Johnny scratches the back of his neck, a nervous habit he has picked up from Yuta, "Because I think you look like one." It comes out more as a question than an answer.

Jaehyun laughs, Yuta watches the tension ease out of Johnny. A second later Johnny says something that brings out Jaehyun’s soft smile that he has only ever showed Yuta. After that the both of them click, just like that. They talk for what feels like hours to him but only 20 minutes to them and the entire conversation is in English so Yuta doesn't understand a word. He knew Johnny grew up in Chicago and speaks English very well but he had no idea Jaehyun was multilingual. Neither of them pay him any attention, throughout the course of their conversation, and he has never felt so left out.

He feels something rotten in his throat and something ugly coil in his stomach. What's bothering him more than both of them blatantly ignoring him is that, instead of being annoyed about not having Johnnys attention, whom he hasn't seen in months, he's more agitated about Jaehyun not paying him any attention. He dissolves himself into his couch and covers his face with his cushion.

He only knows a handful of words in English, his ears perking up when he hears something familiar. "I like birds too." He says holding onto the cushion, it comes out so innocent. He uses a child-like tone to let his friends know that he feels neglected and maybe a small part of him wants them to feel guilty for leaving him out of their entire conversation.

Johnny sees right through him but Jaehyun doesn't. He definitely likes Jaehyun more.

"What?" Nonetheless, Johnny plays along and Yuta's love for him returns.

"You guys said something about birds." He says pointing at the air between the two of them.

"We were talking about humming bird the book, Yuta-ssi." Jaehyun’s says.

"Not the actual humming bird." Johnny says imitating Jaehyun's tone.

"Oh," Yuta pulls on the ends of the cushion, "I like that book too." He says in the same child-like tone. Jaehyun takes one look at him and drops his conversation with Johnny and gives him his undivided attention for the rest of the evening. Even when they eat and Johnny says something in English, he makes sure to translate everything in Korean for Yuta. When Jaehyun leaves, Yuta feels giddy for some reason. Like if anyone touched him he would burst into thin air.

Johnny stays silent as he cleans the living room and Yuta does the dishes. When he's finally done he joins Yuta on the couch. For a while he doesn't say anything. When Yuta can feel his curiosity hover over him, is when he breaks the silence. "Go ahead."

Johnny shifts his body towards Yuta. "So, is he your boyfriend? Are you two dating? If you're dating then why didn't you tell me that beforehand? Do you not trust me with that information? Is it because-"

He interrupts Johnny, "He's not my boyfriend and I don't know." He hides his head between his thighs and lets out a whine.

"You don't know?" Johnny gives him a puzzled look, "But I though you guys were-"

Yuta lifts his head and leans against the back of his couch, "You thought what?"

"It's just, I figured you two didn't want to be vocal about whatever is going on between you two." His voice getting lower with each word, "I didn't think that this was inclusive."

"Johnny," Yuta moves closer to him and rests his head on the man's shoulder, "Neither of us know what 'this' is."

"You don't?"

Yuta shakes his head against Johnny's shoulder. "I only went out with him so I could be sure-", he huffs out a sigh, "but I still don't know how I feel or what I feel." He wants to cry but that won't help. He hasn't felt this helpless since he took a pre-calculus class back in college. Some of the class had made sense to him but nothing about this situation makes any sense to him.

Johnny rests his head on top of Yuta's and lightly rubs his shoulder, "You'll figure it out."

It's an empty statement and both of them know that. The way his mind works, he knows he won't be able to pin point exactly how he feels for a long time and that scares him.

 

 

**T_T**

 

Yuta has always thought of romantic love as something too idealistic, especially for the world that he lives in. So much so, that he actually pushed out the idea of him ever being in a position where he would have to deal with his feelings in such a way. Here he is, though, sitting on his mattress in the early hours of dawn, trying to convince himself that feelings are dead and he's wasting his time.

Giving yourself completely to another person requires a lot and a lot of trust and dependence and Yuta isn't a fan of either. When Yuta was 16 he witnessed resentment push his parents apart, which resulted in them going through a very ugly divorce. Through that he discovered his worst fear; love. He watched his dad's annoyance build up towards every habit he had once found cute or charming in his mom. He saw his mother taking messages from his dad's mistress, he listened to the poorly executed confrontation with his head against his headboard. He watched their once beautiful marriage turn into his worst nightmare with impassive eyes and silent lips.

When he turned 18, everyone around him was falling in love and finding 'their' person. He observed, a much less hostile version of what happened to his parents, happen to everyone else. That's when he realized; people fall out of love just as easily they fall in love. It's never a conscious decision but it happens. Just like how people outgrow habits, they outgrow their feelings too. Either a string formed through resentment or trust issues pulls them out or they just stop loving the person altogether. Back then, he told himself that it was like the circle of life, you're born, you live and then you die. Just like that, you fall in love, realize that it's not nearly as beautiful as a John Green book and then spend the rest of life wallowing in an abyss made out of self-pity and self-hate. That's what he had concluded back then and hadn’t questioned it any further.

Now, though, he thinks; how can anyone say that this one person is their entire world and then change their mind the next day? Is it possible that after a certain period of time they just take back everything, every single word spoken out of pure devotion and every single gesture made to prove how 'real' their love is for the other? Like all of it suddenly isn't there anymore. He doesn’t want to believe that his parents were never in love, but if they were-how could they be so cruel to each other?

Are romantic relationships really _that_ fragile? So fragile that they can't handle a fall, no matter how big or small it is? Shouldn't 'love' push them to overcome their problems?

He lets out a frustrated sigh. Why are humans so weak that they give into their selfish desires so easily? 

"Because Humans can't admit it when they fuck up, they always end up taking the confrontation-less, easier, way out; by leaving. Uncle Freud called it human nature," Johnny shifts next to him. "Now stop thinking so loud and let me sleep."

Yuta doesn't reply, instead he stares at the small lamp in the left corner of his room placed next to his small collection of books that are stacked neatly on top of each other. It's not that bright but it's bright enough for him to make out the bold letters written on his wall. This is the only part of this house that he feels some sort of attachment towards. It had taken him two whole days to paint the words without messing up a letter.

He remembers when Jaehyun had come over for the first time, a little while ago. His reaction had been a mix of complete awe and amusement after looking at Yuta's odd set up.

_"What is that?," Jaehyun points towards the wall._

_Yuta looks up, "The stack of books or the black letters?"_

_"The black letters."_

_"It's a Japanese song lyric."_

_"You don't say," Jaehyun lets out a scoff, "What does it mean?"_

_"It means," Yuta's eyes flick between the writing on his wall and Jaehyun, "My future is dying right before my eyes."_

Yuta doesn't remember much of how the rest of the evening had gone but something had, definitely, upset Jaehyun for he had stayed awfully quiet. Yuta hadn't wanted to push an answer out of him so he had stayed quite too. It's safe to say, it had been the longest the both of them had stayed quiet in each other's company.

He picks up his notebook from the floor and flicks through the pages. It feels light as a feather in his hand; the burden it had been carrying for so long had lessened, one poem at a time. He has written 11 pieces in less than a week. The first person he delivered the good news to was Yifan Hyung, who’d had been ecstatic. Just like Johnny, his Hyung hadn't shown the slightest trace of dismay at his year long silence, which confused him even more. 

_"I want you to go over them, Hyung. See if they're any good," Yuta says, over the phone, as he flicks through JEJU WEEKLY._

_"Of course, mail them to me." Yifan says loudly, trying to cover the noise of telephone rings and idle chatter happening behind him._

_"I can't that do that, I wrote them on paper. I'll send them with Johnny, it's more convenient that way. Is that okay, Hyung?"_

_"Well then," Yifan sighs, Yuta can picture him dropping whatever task at hand to rub his long temples, "Come with Johnny."_

_"Awwwww Hyung, I had no idea you missed me." Yuta says, his tone laced with amusement._

_"It's been **a year** Yuta, of course I miss you." _

Something about the way his Hyung had spoken to him that day had made him feel guilty. His sad tone was directed towards him and Yuta had no idea how to respond to that.

He had dug himself an abyss of solitude and crawled into it with his pen and notebook, not because he wanted to be alone but because he had no idea how to talk to anyone about what he was going through. He was losing control over everything thing around him and he had no idea how to even begin explaining why and how that messed him up even more.

It was as if he had forgotten everything when he had given up on himself. During the 25 years he has lived and suffered, the one thing Yuta has always been able to rely on, and the only form of expression he has known, has been poetry, but when the words had gotten stuck in his throat and felt so heavy that he felt like he couldn't breathe, and when a pen had started feeling as heavy as a sledgehammer in his fingers he didn't know who to blame for dropping it.

No one had called him out on it either. His Hyung and Johnny, being the only people he had, had understood; saving him from carrying the burden of guilt for not being responsive to their calls or texts and, thus, omitting himself from their lives altogether.

Elimination of guilt had made him forget that they were his _only_ friends and that they cared so deeply about him. He’d never even thought of what they must have gone through because of him. Both of them know that he didn't cut them off on purpose, but a year is a long time and after all that time they still understand him. It’s like the distance between them doesn't need to be filled with drawn out explanations and expressions of guilt over glasses full of cheap liquor. Because for them, the distance has never been there to begin with.

Johnny hadn't shown any sign of distress towards Yuta when he’d showed up. His Hyung had been just so happy that he was doing good finally. _Was this what being loved felt like?_

He feels something he’d describe as remorse for belittling the concept altogether for his friends, wholeheartedly, had accepted him back into their lives without showing any sign of anger or disappointment for him disassociating himself from their lives.

This; what he feels right now for his Hyung and Johnny, is different from what he feels for Jaehyun- mostly because he understands this better. Jaehyun with his eccentric furniture, soft smile and quirky humour makes his heart and mind turn bubbly. It's not the same with Johnny and Yuta doesn't know why. He doesn't know why he misses Jaehyun when he'll be seeing him in a few hours. He doesn't know why Jaehyun makes him want to break his robotic exterior and show him what kind of a person he truly is. He doesn't know why, and that hurts him more than anything.

He looks at his friend sleeping next to him. Yuta doesn't deserve the kind gestures, the unconditional love and sense of understanding. None of it, he deserves none of it.

This time he doesn't hold back his tears; he cries quietly so he doesn't wake up Johnny, regret leaving his body one tear at a time. He lightly strokes Johnny's soft hair. "I'll be a better friend, I promise," he whispers.

Morning comes and Yuta takes Johnny to Jeju city. He spends the entire day with him, catching up on everything and anything. Yuta listens as Johnny rambles on about Yifan Hyung's poor and cheesy attempts at wooing Suho Hyung, which only seem to result in him embarrassing himself every time. When they sit down for lunch, Yuta breaks the news to Johnny that he'll be going back with him tomorrow.

"You're really leaving this place?" Johnny asks with his mouth full of food. The sight is disgusting and a little hard to look at but it still makes him smile.

"Not forever," he hands Johnny a napkin, "I've grown attached to this place, it kind of feels like home, but I promise I'll visit often enough. That is, only, if you haven't rented out my room." The word home feels so foreign on his tongue, he has never used it before to refer to a place rather than a person.

"I would never." he says with a grin. He doesn't question Yuta's promise as he had expected him to, neither does he ask him to come back and never leave again. Yuta has never felt such profound affection for his friend. He never thought silence and distance would strengthen their friendship like this. He learned the real meaning behind the words mutual trust and dependence after befriending the older man. 

He doesn't sleep that night. He patiently waits for his clock to blink **_4:45 am_** and when it does, he picks up the paper bag he had placed next to his table hours ago, when he had returned home with Johnny, and makes his way to Jaehyun's lawn door. Just like every day, he's met with Jaehyun wearing a silk shirt and a soft smile on his face. Today he's wearing all black.

"You look nice." Yuta says while taking his shoes off and places them in the corner. When he looks up, Jaehyun's mouth is open and he's looking at him skeptically.  

"What?" Yuta asks, "Is everything okay?" he takes a few wary steps towards him.

"You've never complimented my clothes."

Yuta laughs, "Well, I am your number one fan. I think I have the right to compliment you like that, no matter how provocatively you dress."

"Provocative?" Jaehyun quirks his left brow.

"Yes, don't tell me you don't know how sweat makes your shirt stick to your body like glue to paper."

Jaehyun does smile at that but hesitantly asks, "Are you okay?"

"I've never been better," he walks in and takes his usual seat, "Now, shall we?" he points towards the instrument.

Jaehyun smiles but Yuta can still feel the lingering suspicion. Nonetheless, he takes his place behind the instrument and starts playing.

When he's done with his piece, they go inside; filling the space between them with shy smiles and idle chatter. When they sit down, Yuta hands him the bag.

"This is for you." He might try to ignore it but strings of excitement are spinning in his stomach.

Jaehyun takes it from him, pulls out a box from the bag and opens it very slowly. When he takes a look on what's inside, he lets out a loud laugh. It reminds Yuta of those dystopian sci-fi books he used to read as a teenager; the ones where the main character had to suffer a great deal and for a protracted period of time in order to be rewarded with something of great importance to them in the end. Yuta thinks Jaehyun’s sweet tone and enthralling laughter are his reward for suffering for a year in complete solitude. 

"You got me shoes?" Jaehyun's expression is a mix between fondness and pure delight.

"Well, it's the one thing I figured you will need for your recital. You know, since you can't play barefoot on a stage in front of hundreds of people." Yuta ends his sentence with a wink. He feels oddly satisfied with Jaehyun’s reaction, being the source of his laughter always leaves him feeling warm.

"Thank you, I'll definitely wear them on D-day." Jaehyun closes the box and places it on the coffee table.

Yuta doesn't mean to ruin the moment but if he doesn't say it now, he might not have the guts to say it at all. "I'm leaving for Seoul today."

Whatever conversation Jaehyun is having with his feet suddenly isn't that interesting anymore, he looks at him with his eyes wide open.

"You're leaving? Fore-"

"No no no no no no," apart from abruptly cutting Jaehyun off, Yuta violently shakes his head and both his hands to assure Jaehyun that he's not leaving forever, "I'm only going for three days, I'll be back before your recital. I promise." Yuta rushes the words out.

" _Oh_ ," he looks a little dumfounded, "Can I ask why?"

"My publisher wants to see me for something." He tries his best to wave it off as nothing important but the other man still sits unsure.

"Well," Jaehyun stares at the box sitting on the coffee table. After what feels like hours, he finally looks at Yuta. "I hope you have a safe flight then." Jaehyun looks uncertain for some reason and Yuta can't help but be worried. Because of the intense humidity Jaehyun had rolled up his sleeves and Yuta reaches out and lightly strokes Jaehyun’s bare arm, something he has _never_ done.

"I promise," he looks into Jaehyun’s eyes with utmost sincerity, "I'll come back, okay?"

Jaehyun returns the sincerity with a soft smile. "Okay."

He would believe Jaehyun’s reply but something is different; his smile doesn't quite reach his eyes. Yuta doesn't say anything.

If he notices that Jaehyun’s skin has become almost ghost-like, that his dark circles feel deeper than he has ever seen them, that his lips seem devoid of the redness they had a week ago and that his eyes are bleary from exhaustion, fighting to stay open, he doesn't say anything. He sits there gently caressing Jaehyun’s arm, trying to assure the man that his absence will only be temporary.

 

**T_T**

Just as Johnny had promised him, his room in their apartment is dust free and empty. Yuta has always been apathetic but ever since he came out of his chasm he feels different. The smallest gestures done out of kindness or compassion either make him teary eyed or make his heart jump. He drops his bag next to the bedroom door and runs to Johnny, finding the older man standing in the kitchen, immediately charging in and back hugging him. Johnny, like he had expected, isn't shocked or taken back.

"Thank you." He whispers into Johnnys back. Johnny responds by giving into the hug and softly playing with Yuta's fingers. They stay like that for a while.

On his second day, he pays a visit to his publisher Hyung, who he has, admittedly, missed so much. Yifan Hyung is beaming when he sees him. They exchange tight hugs and muffled I missed you's to make up for lost time. They talk all day in Yifan’s office. When the sun sets, Yuta finally hands him the pieces he has written.

He watches his Hyung go through each poem slowly. Yuta looks away, for he wants to hear his Hyung’s honest opinion through his words and not exaggerated expressions. When he's finally done reading them he speaks up.

"These are," Yifan seems at a loss for words, "exceptional." he looks at him with his goofy smile. "I'm very proud of you."

"Thank you, Hyung." He says softly.

"I just have," he lifts his finger, "one question."

Yuta gives him a look. "Yes, Hyung?"

"Well," he opens Yuta's notebook up and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for. "Three of them have the same pattern, they sound almost angry and annoyed. Did someone piss you off?" Yifan hands him his notebook. Yuta scans the pieces.

"Is that your question, Hyung?" Yuta gives him a sly smile.

"Yes and no. You've always written about nature and finding beauty in it. Not that I'm saying there's something wrong with changing directions but-"

"Do you not like them?" Yuta asks.

Yifan lifts his left brow, "I wasn't done talking." Yuta motions for him to proceed.

"You know what, hand me the book and I'll recite them to you, to prove my point."

Yuta gives him a baffled look but nonetheless hands him the book. Yifan starts reciting the first poem.

**_Infant shells full of grace turned hollow; portraying every act they were told to follow_ **

**_Their impassive eyes ache to see the beauty they were told of_ **

**_What a wonder it must be to let the tranquil chaos tame them; what a wonder it must be to let its charm consume them_ **

Yuta's own words hit him like draggers. "This one seems about parental love, am I right?" Yuta only nods. Neither of the two have much to say about this poem. Yifan takes his silence as a signal to move on.

Yifan recites the second poem, which is about platonic love. He doesn't stop to discuss it and Yuta doesn't protest either. He almost doesn't want to hear the third one out loud but, before he can say anything, Yifan has already started narrating it.

**_Ravenous stares craving deep delight; in someone_ **

**_Parallel scales, can they bend in sight; for someone_ **

**_No screams in scorn can change one's fate; with someone_ **

**_Bold dreams of dawn can be just that; there's no one_ **

Yuta's blatant expression in his poem makes him feel exposed. He has always projected honesty and bluntness in his poetry, something he never thought could be held against him. His Hyung gives him a sympathetic look, Yuta looks away and starts picking at his nails to distract himself.

"Did something happen?" Yifan asks, with a gentle tone. The question lingers till Yuta can't find anything to busy himself with. He shakes his head.

"Are you sure?" Yifan asks again and Yuta doesn't know what to say so he shakes his head again. But Yifan waits, he waits for him to find the words, structure a coherent sentence and speak up. For a while, both of them stay silent.

If this was Johnny he was dealing with, it would've been easier; Johnny never uses silence to push words out of him. Unlike Yifan Hyung, Johnny gives Yuta his well-deserved alone time, and space, to gather his thoughts. He knows he has to say something, anything, to get himself out of this situation.

"I just," Yifan lifts his eyes to look at him, "wanted to be clear on how different they are."

"That's it?" Yifan tilts his head.

Yuta only nods.

"Well, if that's the case then I think you're being stupid."

Yuta looks up, "What?" his tone laced with offense.

"The poetry is beautiful, it's your ideology that's stupid."

Yuta folds his hands and presses them tightly against his chest, "What do you mean?" he says through his pressed lips.

"I don't think there's much difference between platonic and romantic love."

 Yuta gives him a confused look. "Hyung, may I remind you the context of our relationship?"

 "I think they're variations of just one love. Both of them require mutual trust, respect, dependability, vulnerability, the evident need to be close and, most importantly, both of them possess the ability to break your heart. You breaking my heart will hurt just as much as Suho breaking my heart. So, no, I don't think they're different-excluding the fact that one of them requires you to be more expressive, physically. That's the only thing separating the two of them."

Yuta sits up and scoffs, before he can reply a reel starts playing in his head-from the day he first met Jaehyun to when he said goodbye to him two days ago. Each scene connected to the next, depicting his actions and feelings from a third person point of view. Why did he look at Jaehyun when he wasn't supposed to? Why did his heart yearn for Jaehyun every minute he wasn't in his company? 

Yuta slumps back into his chair and blinks several times.

All this time, he thought, him belittling even just the idea of romantic love was because he was trying to justify his ignorance and arrogance towards it. He didn't even _think_ , for a second, that he was trying to convince himself how dumb the ideology of romantic love was altogether because he didn't want to come to terms with how he felt for Jaehyun. He fell in love with Jaehyun the first time he saw him play from his room, through his window, and he fell deeper when they shared their first kiss. His confusion, in that moment, wasn't prompted by how he felt about Jaehyun, rather it was because him falling for Jaehyun went against everything he stood for, so much so, that his subconscious couldn't handle that kind of betrayal.

 "Yuta?" Yifan calls out for him, waving his head in front of his face to bring him back to reality, "Are you okay?"

His epiphany comes out in the form of a very low " _Oh_." He feels weak and sick, he had been trying to fool himself for months, _all for what?_

He holds onto the edge of the chair as if his life depends on it. He feels like he might lose balance and fall out of it any second, even though he's sitting. The worst part about his revelation is that he isn't scared, that love doesn't scare him anymore. All he can think of right now is running to Jaehyun, _his Jaehyun_ , and telling him how he really feels- that their date wasn't a one-time thing for him, that he wants to kiss him to sleep every night and spend every waking hour listening to his laugh, _his beautiful laugh_.

"Yuta, why are you crying?" Yifan grabs a tissue box from the corner of his table and hands it to him. He takes it quietly and wipes his tears dry.

"Hyung, I need to go back." Yuta says. Yifan leaves his place from across the table, walks over to Yuta and kneels down next to his chair.

"What?" he asks, gently.

"Hyung I need to - no, I _have_ to tell him," Yuta drops the tissue box and wipes his face with his hands. "I don't want to lose him, Hyung."

Yifan smiles at him sheepishly, gets up and lightly presses his chest against Yuta's head, "I'll ask my assistant to book a ticket for the very next flight that leaves for Jeju. Would you like that?"

Yuta nods into his chest.

 

**T_T**

Yuta shows up at Jaehyun's door step six hours later. With a bouquet of fresh cloves in his hand, he vividly remembers them being Jaehyun's favourite, and a freshly shaven face. He isn't wearing his usual attire, opting, instead, for a casual yet appealing look of blue jeans and a plaid top. He knocks on the door and a rush of adrenaline causes him to feel jittery. He hears footsteps from behind the door and this- this is it. He's going to do this. A man, who definitely isn't Jaehyun, answers the door. Yuta notes that his fluffy cheeks and pale skin resemble Jaehyun's. Before the man can say anything, Yuta speaks.

"You're Lay Hyung-nim, right?"

He gives him a questioning look, "Yes," he says slowly, "How do you know my name?"

Yuta’s smile grows wider, "Jaehyun talks about you a lot, I'm his friend Nakamoto Yuta." He bows lightly. With the mention of Jaehyun’s name Lays skin grows paler and his lips form a straight line.

"Oh." he says with a flat tone.

Yuta straightens his top with his empty hand. "Could you call him out? I have to talk to him." he says. Lay looks at him tentatively, backing away from the entrance a little as he blinks a few times before saying anything.

"Jaehyun passed away yesterday."

The second the words hit Yuta’s ears his entire body goes cold and his mouth goes dry, he feels queasy and light headed. He grabs onto the railing and tightens his grip to steady himself.

"What?", he says through his numb lips.

The look of shock and confusion on his face is enough for Lay to know that Yuta was unaware.

"He was ill,-" he almost chokes on his words, "-for a long time, but we thought he would have enough time to perform at least once before he left but-" Yuta watches the man's tears cut him off mid-sentence. All the while, he's still trying to think of something to say. Instead, he takes a step back, his grip still tight on the railing. He stands there, trying to catch his breath as if he’s just run a marathon.

He enters a strong daze and, somehow, walks back home but doesn't go in. He sits on his front steps and stares at the sky, begging for the Deity to help him comprehend reality or punch him into wakefulness, to tell him that this is just an awful, _awful,_ dream. He stays like that for a while, with a numb mind and cold sweat pouring down his spine. Only gets up when he finds the strength to.

He lays down on his sofa, his grip still tight on the bouquet of cloves he had picked up earlier today when he was happy and ready to tell the entire world that he's in love. His eyes fall on a picture of him and Jaehyun that's sitting on his coffee table. He remembers the day they had taken the picture so vividly; Jaehyun had been persistent about his hair looking bad while taking the picture but Yuta had insisted they take one for memory's sake. After several pouts and puppy eyes, Jaehyun had agreed and they had taken the picture. Yuta feels a sudden rush of anger.

He sits up and picks up the frame holding their picture.

"How dare you?" He looks at the picture with wet eyes, "How dare you make me fall in love with you and then just leave? You made me believe that there was something good in this God forsaken world?" His tone filled with rage. "You made me think that I could actually have something good, that after 25 years of living as a stoic being I could finally feel love. That everything I made myself learn for 9 years was all a lie."

He wants to throw the frame across the room along with the bouquet of cloves but he doesn't. He places it on the coffee table as gently as he can, given his current emotional state, and places the cloves next to it. He feels trapped; in his own body and in this world.

He feels so stupid for falling in love with Jaehyun's soft smile, his delicate hands and the way they moved so gracefully between the strings. Jaehyun made Yuta forget his reality before he could think twice. Everything Yuta has ever done, every memory he had, turned into dust the second Jaehyun looked at him for the first time.

"You made me love you and didn't even give me the chance to tell you that." The rage in his voice no longer there. Yuta has never felt so hollow before, to him it's like he’s just lost a part of himself. He sits there, on his sofa, with wet eyes and a sinking feeling. He hates himself, in this moment, he hates himself more than anything. If only it hadn't taken him so long to figure out that the knot in his stomach wasn't caused by anxiety, that it wasn't even in his stomach- it was in his heart, his heart felt heavy every time he was around Jaehyun not because he was nervous but because he loves - **_loved him_**. And he didn't even get the chance to tell him that. His entire body feels heavy with guilt and regret. His obsessive need to disregard any sense of attachment he feels or has ever felt for anyone had led him to the grave of the only person he has ever truly loved.

He sits there, on his sofa, supporting a heart heavy with guilt, a pair of wet eyes and a longing to hear Jaehyun's enthralling and gentle voice again.

 

**T_T**

 

 

Yuta is sitting in a crowd of boxes when he hears a gentle knock on the door. When he opens the door he's met with Lay Hyung holding a thick envelope in his hand. His dark circles look a bit better today but Yuta doesn't comment on them.

"Hi." he doesn't extend his hand or even look at him. Everything about him, from his dark circles to his inability to disguise his nervousness, reminds him of Jaehyun. He looks away. Both of them clearly finding the pattern of each other's shoes more interesting.

"I came to give you this," Lay looks up and hands him a padded envelop. "He wrote letters for everyone before he," he coughs lightly, "Before he left."

Yuta takes the envelop from him without saying a word. Lay looks at the stack of boxes sitting near the entrance. "You're moving?" he looks at him with empty eyes and they look so much like _him_ that Yuta has to turn away. He can't cry, not right now. He blinks away his tears and mumbles out a vague reply. "Yeah, I have to go back to Seoul. Work stuff."

"Well, I wish you the best of luck," he says while scratching the back of his neck. Yuta is about to close the door when he speaks up again. "He talked about you a lot." his flat tone now screaming of profound sadness. "I don't know what he wrote in your letter but you definitely were a huge part of his life, I'm very grateful that he had someone like you during his last months. You made him very happy. He's not here to say this, so thank you. Thank you for your kindness and compassion towards him."

"I'm glad I got to know someone like him." he replies with an unsteady voice.

Yuta opens the envelop with shaky hands, and a fierce heartbeat, an hour after Lay has left. There's a CD and a letter in it. He takes out the letter first.

_"Hi,_

_I haven't slept since you left so excuse my bad writing. I wanted to give this to you after my recital but I guess that's not going to happen, ha. I'm sorry for not being honest and not telling you about my illness. I just wanted to spend whatever time I had left with someone who didn't look at me with eyes screaming of sympathy. That was selfish of me and I'm very sorry._

_I'll miss you, a lot, and I hope, or at least I want to believe, that you'll miss me as well. I have a lot of things to thank you for but I don't have enough time or energy to write them down._

_I just want you to know that if the universe had been kinder to me and had granted me one last wish, I’d wish I had met you 3 years ago, not 3 months ago. I’d wish I had the privilege of knowing you better. I’d wish that I had the courage and the time to tell you this to your face; that although three months is a short period of time but you managed to captivate my heart along with my entire being._

_I love you."_

 

The letter slips out of his grip as he covers his face with his palms and cries into them. His entire body shakes with every emotion he has been trying to hold back for the past week. He only tries to stop when the lump in his throat hinders his breathing. He chokes on his tears and breaks into a fit of coughs. His vision grows bleary but, without wiping his tears, he picks up the letter from the floor, Jaehyun’s words still echoing in his mind. Yuta feels an ache in his heart. He loved him, Jaehyun **_loved_** him.

 

_"I love your honest inviting eyes, your wicked remarks, your healing smile, your beautiful heart, I love you and I wish I could hold your hand as I told you every single word of affection I've been holding back for the past month. I love you with my entire being, Nakamoto Yuta._

_Meeting you, was the best coincidence the universe has ever blessed me with, knowing you and loving you is the best privilege the universe has ever granted me."_

Yuta huffs out a shaky breath, trying to calm himself.

 

_"I might sound a little full of myself when I say this but I think, or I want to believe, that you loved me too. That every time you looked at me, when you thought I wasn't looking, was out of pure affection and nothing else. I think, or I want to believe, that our first and only kiss left both of us with a feeling of longing. Don't forget me, even if you didn't love me the way I love you. Just promise that you won't forget me."_

Yuta covers his mouth with his hand. "You bastard." He wipes at his tears.

 

" _If I had another chance at life, without question, I would give myself to you, Nakamoto Yuta_.

_Your friend always,_

_Jung Jaehyun._ "

It takes a while for Yuta to calm himself down. His senses return to reality when his eyes land on the crowd of boxes his living room is housing, reminding him that he still has boxes to label and tape and that his flight is set to leave in 8 hours and that he can't stay here a minute longer. He gets up and carefully places the letter next to the vase of cloves. He pulls out the CD from the envelop. Though the writing on it is messy, he still understands it.

"For you, so you never forget me." he reads out loud. The CD has every piece Jaehyun had played for him in the last 3 months. He plays it while he tends to his chores.

The CD is still playing when he finishes packing. He lays down on his sofa, physically and mentally drained. The guilt that had enabled him to move for days has finally let him alone. He finds contentment in just knowing that Jaehyun loved him. With his mind still replaying a montage of Jaehyun, his soothing music playing in the background, Yuta thinks that this is all he needs to carry on in life.

Yuta shows up at Jaehyun's lawn door at exactly 4:45 am. He pushes the handle, it's still open. He takes off his shoes carefully and walks in, his feet carrying him to his spot.

The gayageum is still there. Yuta walks towards it and places a bouquet of cloves on the strings. His eyes move to the chair Jaehyun _used_ to sit on. He sits on it and skims through the strings lightly, the air is still humid but Yuta doesn't find it difficult to breathe in it anymore. For a moment, everything is still but the silence is not disturbing anymore. He doesn't feel the urgent need to crowd his mind because Jaehyun is there. Jaehyun is in the silence that has become so prominent in his life lately. With noise always accompanying him everywhere, Yuta never realized how much peace and comfort the quiet has to offer. He stares at the strings for a while, then gently places a finger one of them.

 "I love you, Jung Jaehyun." he whispers to the strings, "I will _always_ love you."

This is what it should've been like from the beginning of time, when the first wave crashed into grains of sand and birthed a never ending chaos. When Jaehyun looked at him through his bangs and shared a smile with him. This is what it should've been like.

 

**T_T**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this,please leave your opinion in the comments below, thank you.


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